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The Cookie Mugger

November 10, 2009

Space potato

I went out to the grocery tonight for a few things: milk, potatoes, and cookies. Not for any specific recipe;  just some staples. It was dark in the parking lot that night. I left the store and headed for my car, which was parked head-first out of my space. Since the time I parked, a large van had parked conventionally (head-in) in the spot between my vehicle and the storefront. I opened my driver’s side rear door to swing my bags into the back seat.  I then heard the sound of very near footsteps and quickly turned to my right to see a tall man who had suddenly come to a stop not three feet from me, between my vehicle and the adjacent van.

What little light was reflected in the parking lot seemed to be focused in a band across his eyes.  His gaze was steady and unmoved as I said, “Hey.”  He was silent and I flung my grocery bags into the back seat.  I had bought some time with that “hey,” I thought.  I deftly reconfigured the car keys in my right hand so that the ignition key pointed out between my index and middle finger.  This was it, my mind raced.  I’ve always heard that muggings happen when you least expect it; at least the successful ones do. Still in that infinitesimally small amount of time that only synapses log, I hatched my plan. It would be a preemptive strike before he could position himself for advantage. It was decided.  When I pull back from loading my groceries I would thrust from my left foot and lunge at the for-sure attacker, with my key finger arm outstretched and targeted at any soft facial feature. And then in mid-lunge my left arm would windmill from behind me in an arching blow to be landed atop the stunned and already key-faced perpetrator. This was it.  As my body rocked back from my vehicle, I subtly shifted my weight to my left foot.  As my knee bent slightly to pre-load my thrust, I looked the odd man in the eyes and inquired, “You’re not after my cookies, are you?”  … The man’s stoic face transformed in the moonlight to one of those laughing carnival barkers.  Big teeth showing, head tipped backwards, eyes closed.  “No.  Haaa.  No, no.  No. Ha,” he giggled.  As he guffawed I stealthily slid into my vehicle and locked the doors.  I could see him getting into his van.  That poor guy has no idea how lucky he is tonight.  He was not more than a few synapse-misfires from having a very unfortunate misunderstanding happen upon him.

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5 Comments
  1. Probitee permalink
    November 11, 2009 12:08 am

    Salutations Hugo,
    Thank goodness you're okay.I always felt parking spaces should be fenced and your recent episode proves my point. Enjoy eating your cookies. Sounds as though you narrowly escaped tossing them ;-)

  2. Dr. Zaius permalink
    November 11, 2009 9:42 pm

    Hugo,

    Do not be fooled. Your expressions have been noticed. Please take heed. These interactions you are experiencing may not one of unfortunate misunderstanding.

    Dr. Z.

  3. Dr. Zaius permalink
    November 11, 2009 10:08 pm

    To my fellow Hugolist, Probitee –

    It seems your avitar has stirred distant images. Perhaps you have been in possession of this peculiar object for many years. I recall my early pilgrimages to the Land of the Sun. Please advise.

    Dr. Z.

    • Probitee permalink
      November 12, 2009 1:06 am

      Dr. "Z",
      Unique yes, but not peculiar.You have closely

      identified the source of my totem if indeed you refer to the

      Land of the Setting Sun.It was carved from the tree of

      mystery, largest of living things and present on Earth when

      dinosaurs existed.

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